When a wise and brave ally created Orcbrand, the call was answered by thousands who eagerly joined the horde. To show my solidarity, I too adopted the brand for a time. Though not fully invested, I threw enough of my mild weight in to consequently be asked about Orcbrand in an interview with a persistently curious fellow. Yet, deep down I knew that I could never truly be an Orc. I share almost none of the physical or mental characteristics required. Orcs are large, strong, loud, obnoxious and barbarous creatures with generally low impulse control. They are aggressive and have an unquenchable thirst for battle. They are not much in the way of tactical strategic creatures but boldly charge forward toward whichever target they are fixated on. No, it would be an insult to both the orcs and my kin to call myself one. I briefly considered applying to be leader of a subspecies of Gretchin and their herd, but Gretchin are typically cannon fodder(though occasionally clever) and are simply smaller versions of orcs rather than something completely different. No, not a Gretchin either. This begs the question, who am I? Who
For those of us not quite large or brutish enough to pass as orcbrand but with agility, insatiable curiosity, and beautiful thoughts, clearly we are elfbrand. In contrast with the Orcs, I have a slender(yet fit) build and am more inclined to rely on attributes of cunning, stealth, imagination and cleverness when engaging with my enemies. One of my ex-girlfriends would often comment on my having “elf ears.” It was a running meme between us that she had fairy ears(not like a “gay” definition of fairy, but like the female variety such as Tinkerbelle or the ones that give you hearts in Legend of Zelda) and I had elf ears, and thus ours was a romance between fairy and elf. I make no apology for the foray into degenerate interspecism (though I regret the relationship for a plethora of other reasons.)
At this point you may be wondering what Elfbrand is all about. Like, what makes an elf? What do we really believe? I offer this as the official Elfbrand manifesto:
The Elfbrand Manifesto
By B.W. Rabbit
-As elves we are distrustful of outsiders. We are conscious of their reckless, potentially destructive nature and actively plot ways to keep them out and avoid having to interact with them whenever possible.
– Whilst the brutish orcs revel in their pompous machismo and bravado, we remain perched in the treetops of the lost woods, our elven bows polished at the ready – quivers filled with silver arrows – ever the cunning.
– We are psychically sensitive beings, have a love of animals and frequently look to the cosmos, allst the while exploring nature. Whereas the thuggish alpha beasts are likely to blurt out uncouth epithets like “that’s so gay!” at the notion of any admiration of beauty, expression of sentimentality or emotion…we merely roll our eyes, tune them out and continue with the business of soul searching and expanding our collective consciousness.
-Advanced science(often mistaken for magical power by more primitive creatures) is a critical component of elven society and when combined with stealth allows us to defend ourselves when vastly outnumbered.
– Elfbrand contains different factions and much diversity. There are the space-faring Eldar, the natural and homeopathic driven “wood elves,” the cruel and cunning dark elves and so on. We all share the same features and abilities, but they manifest themselves differently among different elven societies according to established norms.
– Increased perception is one of our most defining traits. Seemingly introverted and curious we have a tendency to perceive and understand rather then prematurely judge. Those who identify as Elfbrand are most likely to
fall under the INTP Myers-Briggs personality type.
– Elfbrand men are most closely aligned with beta males(though not the squeaky, fat, neckbeard variety.) Romantic, empathetic and understanding. In the true medieval fashion we have a tendency to white knight even when their is no tangible reward to be reaped. Even the most gallant and alpha embodying among us take on the likeness of a charismatic metrosexual. While the entitled frat bro styled orcmen pillage and plunder the pussy, we opt for style, chivalry, clever humor and establishing a psychic link with the female. We recognize that we will be unlimately be less successful numbers wise but will make more spiritually meaningful connections when we occasionally do make them.
– We place an emphasis on the aesthetic of a society, which often puts us at odds with laissez faire capitalist creatures who sacrifice aesthetic for cheapness, abundance and convenience. Elfbranders marvel at the beautiful expensive sofa that’s uncomfortable to sit on, while other creatures enthusiastically tear down magnificent buildings to make way for cheap, stucco minimalls filled with Jamba Juice smoothie franchises and AT&T wireless stores.
– Our advantageous battle characteristics are swiftness, accuracy, resourcefulness, and adaptability. Our weaknesses are lack of physical strength, reduced numbers and an aversion to direct confrontation. When faced with an aggressive and more powerful adversary, we would be more apt to distract the enemy by throwing them a slab of meat, bypass their defenses and patiently wait for a moment to strike, like thieves in the night…narrowly escaping the barbarian’s firm grip with the agile swiftness of a thousand gazelles.
Note: We are not usually at odds with our orc allies. In many ways it would seem we complement each other. It is important merely to point out memetic and strategic differences, understanding with clarity what our respective roles are in ongoing skirmishes with anarchists, libertarians and SJW goblins.